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Love is only a few small hurts away from hate

In Relationships on February 26, 2013 at 9:51 pm

Love is only a few small hurts away from hate, so don’t hurt the ones you love or the ones who love you.

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of the past year stopped me in the doorway between my bedroom and bathroom, took my face in his hands and said, “I think I am falling for you a little more every day.” Today, he doesn’t want to be a boyfriend anymore.

A lot can happen in two weeks, but I can’t figure out what it was. (More posts to come on some of my theories.)

He drove to Arizona for his cousin’s funeral weekend before last. He spent time with all his siblings together for the first time in a long time. They talked about their relationships, some married, some divorced, some casually dating. This is where it gets a bit tricky. He drove there with his ex-wife. She has family there. She was close to his cousin’s wife and their kids. I understood. I was not happy.

I can tell what you’re thinking. No, I wasn’t happy about his road trip companion, but I trusted him and didn’t really give him any grief about it. Once, I lost my resolve to not make a big deal about it and mentioned it sarcastically on the phone when he called to see how I was doing. I said, “Yeah, you know I’m really happy about your being in Arizona with your ex-wife.” I could not resist the sarcasm, but I didn’t pitch the expectable girlfriend fit. There were no tears. There was no screaming.

So why did he come straight home and ask to be excused from what seems like a really good relationship — two people who have tons in common?

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“One day I will be sorry for what I’ve done.”
~ Mr. Poopy Head

Of course, I asked him if he’d decided to start sleeping with his ex. Of course he denied it. Of course he says there is no one else. Of course he says he just wants to be free and not answer to anyone, not date anyone, not have the burden of expectations to carry. (Trust me, if I put any fewer expectations on this man, we would barely be acquaintances. We see each other every other weekend and share texts and the occasional phone call in between. We both have very busy lives that include children. I like my alone time.)

You know what the kicker is? He expects me to be all kind and nice and sunshine and happiness about it. I was just hit by a freight train out of nowhere, and he wants to smile and “let’s be friends and hang out.”

Obviously, the relationship would never have gone anywhere because he is out of his freakin’ mind. How many people — no let me rephrase — how many WOMEN would respond to that situation with sunshine and rainbows?

I hurt HIM because I did not respond to his texts for a day after he dumped me. Maybe not even a full 24 hours. He dumps me, and I am supposed to be OK with that. Everything is hunky-dory!

Do men even have working brains? Seriously.

At least I am writing tonight instead of balling in my wine glass. So the healing begins…AGAIN.

What I’d like to know is can there be healing without the cycle of hate? Will I ever be able to remember driving and camping our way to the Grand Canyon this summer without crying? Then there was our wonderful drive up the Natchez Trace only a few weeks ago when we camped and hiked at Paul Busby and Tishamingo State Park. Will those memories ever bring me happiness again?

Hate can be a very effective tool for healing a broken heart. If you remind yourself of every little thing wrong with the person, it takes the sting away from rejection. What is there to do if you don’t want to hate that person? Are you destined to stay an open, aching wound for ages in order to save the happy memories? And how do you stop hoping they will change their mind, that it was all a big mistake brought on by a frustrating situation? You don’t want to make yourself hate the person if there is a chance of future reconciliation. How do you quit second guessing your own judgement?

An even better question is this, “When will life quit giving me curve balls and let things start looking up for me for a change?”

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  1. Relationships end for a variety of reasons, and often those reasons aren’t apparent to the person who ended it. And you’re left wondering what’s wrong with you. It’s always more dynamic than that.

    The quickest path to healing is forgiveness because it’s something you do for yourself, not the one who caused the harm. You don’t have to be friends. You just have to not allow the person and the incident to occupy that much of your head space. Wish the best for them and refuse to dwell on the negative. To live well, truly is the best revenge. Living well means having peace of mind and wellness of spirit. Hatred hurts you more than anyone and you deserve better.

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