a hope design

Miscommunication is a bitch

In Being Healthy, Relationships on March 5, 2013 at 8:55 am

I dislike a back and forth relationship. I’ve never been able to understand those couples who seem to always be breaking up then getting back together again…over and over. I like to make an educated decision then stick to it.

But. What happens if I realize my decision was based upon miscommunication? Can I be a big girl and apologize and try again? Will my pride allow me to do that? Being wrong really sucks.

spock bobble-head

If I were human, I believe my response would be: ‘go to hell.’ If I were human.
~ Spock in ‘The Final Frontier’

Here’s the deal. Based on human psychology, we don’t always hear what another person is trying to say. They say one thing based on their preconceptions, filtered through their past experiences and in a language they understand. Their words are then filtered through the recipient’s past experiences, preconceptions and the recipient’s own personal myth of reality.

What I’m saying is that when Larry said, “I don’t want to be a boyfriend anymore,” I heard, “I don’t want to be YOUR boyfriend anymore.” Or the short version, “Wahwah wah wah REJECTION wah wah.”

Instead of saying, “Please clarify,” or “What do you mean?” or “What brought this on?” I said, “You need to leave. NOW.”

Having had a few days to cool off, I’ve begun to ask myself, “Why did I do that?” What would Larry have said if I had channeled Spock and just looked at him and said, “Explain to me why and how you’ve come to that conclusion”?

I’m beginning to see that I have a problem with understanding why anyone would want to be with me. I STILL have a self-esteem problem. I can’t see myself as lovable. I don’t see my worth. That is a ME problem, not a man problem. That is a problem I thought I had dealt with, but I’m not quite there.

If you have the opinion that you are not worthy of love, affection, respect, etc., everything you hear is filtered through that notion. A person can have shit-colored glasses just as easily as rose-colored.

I didn’t hear the part about Larry still wanting to be in my life but wanting to make sure I wasn’t missing out on something better by being with him. I heard I don’t want you. You are not good enough. I’m looking for something better than you.

I didn’t hear beneath his no longer wanting the responsibility of the boyfriend title was a need for some reassurance that I wasn’t feeling cheated by what he has to offer right now. I didn’t hear his guilt. I didn’t hear his feelings of inadequacy. I didn’t get the story that hearing his brother talking about falling in love made him feel insufficient because he doesn’t feel capable of “falling in love,” and “Alana deserves someone to ‘fall in love’ with her.” (Not my opinion, by the way…a totally OTHER post titled “I am bitter about love” or “How many perfectly decent marriages have been spoiled by someone ‘falling in love’?” or “I’m not 16 anymore.”)

I’m not saying that misconception is always the case; however, it is very important to ask for clarification. It is as equally important to be aware your own psychological filters. Making assumptions can ruin a relationship, whether it be romantic or a friendship.

I am happy not being a “girlfriend.” I am NOT happy about NOT having Larry in my life. He truly is a treasure, NOT PERFECT, but still a treasure.

So we step back and try again. Not the same relationship but maybe a better one. I have this great friend who loves to go hiking with me on a Sunday when we are both free. We have interesting and thought-provoking conversations, and we BOTH enjoy being together. He treats me really well. He’s kindhearted, considerate and genuine. We also enjoy our own space.

Did you hear that, Larry? I ENJOY MY OWN SPACE. Don’t assume I want a man living with me, monopolizing my time.

Don’t assume, period. Just ask. When I answer, make sure you are hearing ME, not your preconceptions.

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  1. NOW, I know what kind of glasses I have! Thanks!

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