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Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Miscommunication is a bitch

In Being Healthy, Relationships on March 5, 2013 at 8:55 am

I dislike a back and forth relationship. I’ve never been able to understand those couples who seem to always be breaking up then getting back together again…over and over. I like to make an educated decision then stick to it.

But. What happens if I realize my decision was based upon miscommunication? Can I be a big girl and apologize and try again? Will my pride allow me to do that? Being wrong really sucks.

spock bobble-head

If I were human, I believe my response would be: ‘go to hell.’ If I were human.
~ Spock in ‘The Final Frontier’

Here’s the deal. Based on human psychology, we don’t always hear what another person is trying to say. They say one thing based on their preconceptions, filtered through their past experiences and in a language they understand. Their words are then filtered through the recipient’s past experiences, preconceptions and the recipient’s own personal myth of reality.

What I’m saying is that when Larry said, “I don’t want to be a boyfriend anymore,” I heard, “I don’t want to be YOUR boyfriend anymore.” Or the short version, “Wahwah wah wah REJECTION wah wah.”

Instead of saying, “Please clarify,” or “What do you mean?” or “What brought this on?” I said, “You need to leave. NOW.”

Having had a few days to cool off, I’ve begun to ask myself, “Why did I do that?” What would Larry have said if I had channeled Spock and just looked at him and said, “Explain to me why and how you’ve come to that conclusion”?

I’m beginning to see that I have a problem with understanding why anyone would want to be with me. I STILL have a self-esteem problem. I can’t see myself as lovable. I don’t see my worth. That is a ME problem, not a man problem. That is a problem I thought I had dealt with, but I’m not quite there.

If you have the opinion that you are not worthy of love, affection, respect, etc., everything you hear is filtered through that notion. A person can have shit-colored glasses just as easily as rose-colored.

I didn’t hear the part about Larry still wanting to be in my life but wanting to make sure I wasn’t missing out on something better by being with him. I heard I don’t want you. You are not good enough. I’m looking for something better than you.

I didn’t hear beneath his no longer wanting the responsibility of the boyfriend title was a need for some reassurance that I wasn’t feeling cheated by what he has to offer right now. I didn’t hear his guilt. I didn’t hear his feelings of inadequacy. I didn’t get the story that hearing his brother talking about falling in love made him feel insufficient because he doesn’t feel capable of “falling in love,” and “Alana deserves someone to ‘fall in love’ with her.” (Not my opinion, by the way…a totally OTHER post titled “I am bitter about love” or “How many perfectly decent marriages have been spoiled by someone ‘falling in love’?” or “I’m not 16 anymore.”)

I’m not saying that misconception is always the case; however, it is very important to ask for clarification. It is as equally important to be aware your own psychological filters. Making assumptions can ruin a relationship, whether it be romantic or a friendship.

I am happy not being a “girlfriend.” I am NOT happy about NOT having Larry in my life. He truly is a treasure, NOT PERFECT, but still a treasure.

So we step back and try again. Not the same relationship but maybe a better one. I have this great friend who loves to go hiking with me on a Sunday when we are both free. We have interesting and thought-provoking conversations, and we BOTH enjoy being together. He treats me really well. He’s kindhearted, considerate and genuine. We also enjoy our own space.

Did you hear that, Larry? I ENJOY MY OWN SPACE. Don’t assume I want a man living with me, monopolizing my time.

Don’t assume, period. Just ask. When I answer, make sure you are hearing ME, not your preconceptions.

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Love is a gamble

In Relationships on March 1, 2013 at 9:31 pm

When I was a little girl, I loved Kenny Rogers. This was long before his sex hotline scandal gave him an ewwww factor. Other than Ruby and Lucille, my favorite song was The Gambler.

As a kid, I thought it was about playing poker. But it’s really about love, isn’t it? Love is probably the biggest gamble we make in our lives.

Hearts

Ev’ry hand’s a winner and ev’ry hand’s a loser.

You gotta know when to hold ’em,

Know when to fold ’em.

Know when to walk away

And know when to run.

How do you know when you have a good hand? I’ve never been very good at gambling. I have never been lucky at slots either. I’ve always found the casinos to be a waste of time and money. Hell, I’ve only won a couple of prizes my whole life. One was tickets to a football game, and the other was tickets to a Vanilla Ice concert where I went on my second date with my second husband. Y’all know how that turned out.

Everyone says that no relationship is perfect. I’ve heard that many times. You have to accept that everyone has faults and then decide if you can live with the particular faults of your partner.

With my first two marriages, I decided I couldn’t live with the faults. I decided that there was no way I would ever be happy with certain aspects of each of those relationships. Despite how much it hurt, I called it quits. Looking back, I have at times questioned if I gave up too easily. I know I was very unhappy in both situations. I came to the realization that the man I married was never going to change – both times.

I’m not one to try to convince someone to change. You can talk to a person about what is bothering or hurting you a few times, but if they keep doing the same thing over and over, you have to cut bait and reel in your line.

Did I fold too quickly? Should I have bet another few rounds, invested more? The more you invest, the more it hurts when you lose.

Having given up twice, I was not so ready to give up this third time around. I was willing to invest more. I was willing to risk the hurt. Larry is unlike any man I’ve ever met. There is no bravado with him. He is straightforward and never puts on airs. He doesn’t expect to be impressed. He is genuine. He is sensitive, kind and honest. He likes whole oats, dried fruit and dark chocolate as much as I do.

I know you are all smirking, right? Love is blind! No one is perfect!

Indeed, no one is.

Larry is very bitter about romance and love. He’s willing to be the best friend you’ll ever have, but he’s “not ever going to be in love ever again.” Surprisingly, that was not a deal breaker for me. No matter that he would not say, “I love you,” his every action made me feel more loved than either of my husbands had with their daily vows of devotion. What are words when your time together is so rich with caring actions?

What is my perfect ex-boyfriend’s other negative trait?

Larry is a runner.

I’m not talking about marathons and 5Ks.

When we first met, we joked about the dinosaur in Toy Story. My favorite quote of Rex is, “Oh, great! Now I have GUILT!” Larry’s favorite Rex quote is “I don’t like confrontations!” If I get mad at Larry, he runs. He feels he’s not good enough and throws in the towel. Larry gives up.

Now, I’m a pretty laid back woman. I don’t yell. I don’t throw things. But how many men out there can go a full year without making a woman mad? NONE. It is impossible. There are certain times when a man can make a woman angry simply by being visible.

Larry has made me mad a total of three times in the last year. Larry has left me a total of three times in the last year.

The third time, last week when he was in Arizona, he came home and told me he didn’t want the responsibility of being a boyfriend to anyone anymore. I asked him to leave. “Now.”

I didn’t ask him to clarify. We didn’t talk about it.

I folded. I didn’t walk away. I ran.

When you add my lack of confidence in myself with Larry’s running, you get a crap hand.

I guess that’s when it’s best to fold — before you invest everything you have and before the other person decides they don’t want to play anymore.

BEWARE of the Love Zombie!

In Relationships on February 28, 2013 at 9:15 pm

Don’t be the rebound bitch.

Men who are going through a breakup or who have recently divorced are needy. They are open wounds grasping for reassurance and acceptance, seeking affirmation. Do not, under any circumstances, confuse this with feelings for you. Stay away!

Men on the rebound are the zombies of the dating world!

Larry as a zombie

I must have your heart! Uggghhhhrrrggghhh!!!!
~ Mr. Love R. Zombie

These love zombies will feast on your heart until they are human once more, then they will leave you in their dust.

Like zombies, they don’t even know what they are doing. They are mindless creatures driven by need, confused and ravenous.

Hone your skills of perception, ladies. A love zombie can be disguised as your perfect mate. He may have all the markers of a life companion, custom tailored for you, but he cannot change what he is inside.

When he awakens a new man, restored by feasting on your heart and soul, you both will be different people. The likelihood of a healthy relationship will be non-existant.

When a love zombie comes stumbling your way, you must save yourself! Grab the nearest baseball bat and run, run, RUN!!!

Never underestimate the power of an apology

In Relationships on February 27, 2013 at 11:12 pm

I was thinking yesterday morning about how fragile love is. Love is supposed to be eternal, everlasting, unconditional. But when it involves two humans, it rarely is any of those things.

Love between humans must be nurtured, handled gently and carefully. Water it, feed it and sing softly to it like your favorite potted plant.

Yes, it’s about that ridiculous if you think about it. So why do we want to go to all that trouble? Why do we go to great lengths for love?

red heart

Forgiveness is the final form of love.
~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Because to love is to be alive. Love adds color to our world and a special brightness to those colors. Love is the element that makes life just a little better, a little brighter. As Shakespeare said, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

Do you remember that scene from Disney’s Bambi? Who doesn’t want to feel twitterpated? It’s AWESOME!

But. Except. There’s one exception.

If love is one-sided, it is more like a bad case of influenza. In extreme cases, it can put you in your grave. If it doesn’t actually kill you, you wish it would.

But I digress…

So, I wondered, if love is so fragile, how do some humans make it last?

Then it struck me that an apology for wrongs done has miraculous restorative power.

A sincere and heartfelt apology goes a long way toward erasing the inevitable hurts in human relationships, whether between lovers or friends.

If you don’t want to go through life alone, you might want to learn how to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it.

Love is only a few small hurts away from hate

In Relationships on February 26, 2013 at 9:51 pm

Love is only a few small hurts away from hate, so don’t hurt the ones you love or the ones who love you.

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of the past year stopped me in the doorway between my bedroom and bathroom, took my face in his hands and said, “I think I am falling for you a little more every day.” Today, he doesn’t want to be a boyfriend anymore.

A lot can happen in two weeks, but I can’t figure out what it was. (More posts to come on some of my theories.)

He drove to Arizona for his cousin’s funeral weekend before last. He spent time with all his siblings together for the first time in a long time. They talked about their relationships, some married, some divorced, some casually dating. This is where it gets a bit tricky. He drove there with his ex-wife. She has family there. She was close to his cousin’s wife and their kids. I understood. I was not happy.

I can tell what you’re thinking. No, I wasn’t happy about his road trip companion, but I trusted him and didn’t really give him any grief about it. Once, I lost my resolve to not make a big deal about it and mentioned it sarcastically on the phone when he called to see how I was doing. I said, “Yeah, you know I’m really happy about your being in Arizona with your ex-wife.” I could not resist the sarcasm, but I didn’t pitch the expectable girlfriend fit. There were no tears. There was no screaming.

So why did he come straight home and ask to be excused from what seems like a really good relationship — two people who have tons in common?

decorated photo

“One day I will be sorry for what I’ve done.”
~ Mr. Poopy Head

Of course, I asked him if he’d decided to start sleeping with his ex. Of course he denied it. Of course he says there is no one else. Of course he says he just wants to be free and not answer to anyone, not date anyone, not have the burden of expectations to carry. (Trust me, if I put any fewer expectations on this man, we would barely be acquaintances. We see each other every other weekend and share texts and the occasional phone call in between. We both have very busy lives that include children. I like my alone time.)

You know what the kicker is? He expects me to be all kind and nice and sunshine and happiness about it. I was just hit by a freight train out of nowhere, and he wants to smile and “let’s be friends and hang out.”

Obviously, the relationship would never have gone anywhere because he is out of his freakin’ mind. How many people — no let me rephrase — how many WOMEN would respond to that situation with sunshine and rainbows?

I hurt HIM because I did not respond to his texts for a day after he dumped me. Maybe not even a full 24 hours. He dumps me, and I am supposed to be OK with that. Everything is hunky-dory!

Do men even have working brains? Seriously.

At least I am writing tonight instead of balling in my wine glass. So the healing begins…AGAIN.

What I’d like to know is can there be healing without the cycle of hate? Will I ever be able to remember driving and camping our way to the Grand Canyon this summer without crying? Then there was our wonderful drive up the Natchez Trace only a few weeks ago when we camped and hiked at Paul Busby and Tishamingo State Park. Will those memories ever bring me happiness again?

Hate can be a very effective tool for healing a broken heart. If you remind yourself of every little thing wrong with the person, it takes the sting away from rejection. What is there to do if you don’t want to hate that person? Are you destined to stay an open, aching wound for ages in order to save the happy memories? And how do you stop hoping they will change their mind, that it was all a big mistake brought on by a frustrating situation? You don’t want to make yourself hate the person if there is a chance of future reconciliation. How do you quit second guessing your own judgement?

An even better question is this, “When will life quit giving me curve balls and let things start looking up for me for a change?”

What is love?

In Life is Random, Relationships on May 4, 2012 at 12:42 pm

…and yeah, you are supposed to say the title like this.

I have thought about love the past two weeks for a lot of reasons.

Monday, my second ex-husband called to tell me that he had made the decision to have “our” dog, Lucy, put down. He and the vet discovered that she had advanced heart worms that had gone undetected in previous blood tests. No one suspected heart worms because she has been on HeartGuard since we adopted her in August of 2003.

I love Lucy

Thoughts of the day we brought Lucy home from Wellsfest that hot day a month after we were married led to thoughts of our relationship and why it failed. We had a good relationship. We talked. We enjoyed some of the same interests. We had similar musical tastes. Then  things changed. Shit happened, as it is wont to do. Eyes were opened, mistakes were made, and we grew apart.

We ended it before ugly words, restraining orders and police were involved. Way before. Maybe none of that would have ever happened because we are both peaceful people who communicate calmly, but I saw War of the Roses in the ’80s. I was influenced.

I like that today we can sit together and discuss our daughter without bitterness and strife mucking up the conversation. I like that we astound onlookers at parent/teacher conferences and school plays.

I like that we met at the veterinarian’s office and both had our hands on Lucy while she breathed her last breath. She was our first child.

Just, please, don’t ask me to live in the same house with him. Ever. Again.

We had an awesome relationship at the beginning.

But was it LOVE?

What the hell is love, anyway? I loved that dog! I love my kids. I love a lot of people in general. I feel emotion and want to hug a lot of people and tell them I appreciate them. Is that love? Both of my husbands told me they loved me…a lot. However, their actions didn’t line up with their words. Their words, as a result, felt hollow.

I guess the bigger question in my mind is this: What does it take to make a romantic relationship work? How do you know if you can go the long haul with a person? Is that a different thing than LOVE?

Here is a conversation that took place this week between my boyfriend and me via text:

Larry: I’ve been thinking about the word love. [That] it’s much more than affection. It’s a commitment word. How much loyalty you’re willing to give. Love is a word that implies that you are attached. An extension of you. Joys, sadness, pain and pleasure. The other will never suffer without [the person] feeling it themselves. They regard the other as much as themselves. Is anything less really love?

Alana: I think that is what love is supposed to mean. I don’t think that is what “love” is for most people in relationships today.

When you said last night that I still love Jason, I don’t think of him that way. I “loved” him, past tense, but that feeling was destroyed by circumstances involving his lost job, his attitude toward Jeramie and his lack of deep emotion. [More reasons involved, but, hey, it was a text, and I couldn’t list everything.] I care about him and his happiness, but my heart is closed to him. I cannot give him the emotion nor the commitment required for “love.”

So, if pushed to say I “love” him, it is a brotherly, humanity-type love that a caring person can feel for friends and family. I wish him no harm. I want him to be happy in life. I do not want to share my life with him. I respect our memories.

What I feel for you is much different. I feel it is tempered by my past experiences in relationships. I feel deep emotion when I am with you. I don’t care what name you put on it. It doesn’t change the depth of my feelings to call it love, like, respect, choose, care for, want to be around…

I feel as if I have my eyes wide open and am making an educated decision. Sure, that is not out-of-control, fairy tale, sweep-you-away…maybe not even romantic, but I can put all the reasons I want you in that special place in my life down on paper, in ink, read it out loud and feel confident that it is a good decision. Every conversation, every hour spent on projects together, every time you kiss me… [censored] reminds me of that list of reasons.

I don’t know what the future holds, and sometimes I get a little afraid of feeling too strongly for you. Saying I love you isn’t as sweet to me since you told me how you feel about the word [Previous conversation: the word is overused and doesn’t mean as much anymore], so I may not say it too much anymore. But don’t mistake that for a change of heart. The word is useless. Actions are what matter.

Larry: That’s got to be one of the most romantic things I’ve ever read. I’m driving now.

Alana: Don’t wreck.

Larry: 🙂

Is that LOVE?

I don’t know.

I guess time will tell.

On the importance of hair…or the lack thereof

In Life is Random, Relationships on December 14, 2011 at 10:36 am

Human beings were created/evolved (the word choice is yours) to come in pairs. It is human nature to want a companion in life. If you ponder your life, past and present, how much time is involved in seeking, enjoying or nurturing a relationship?

Those of us who are not currently involved in or pursuing a relationship have diverted our attention to another focus, denying the basic human need for companionship. For some, it is an easy task to occupy oneself with other things. It isn’t second nature for me.

I have had to create methods for tricking my natural instincts and muffling my hormones. I discovered that adjusting my level of girlieness via hair maintenance is a powerful tool.  Just as marriage counselors will tell you that increasing your feeling of sexiness will improve your sex life, so will DECREASING your feeling of sexiness KILL your sex drive…and your longing for a companion. Just call me Pavlov’s Bitch because, honey, it works!

Ditch the razor and bring on the granny panties.

Now, ya’ll know that 90% of this post is tongue-in-cheek. That leaves 10% cold, hard, scientific truth. That 10% is the part urging me to share this with you despite the fact that it will end any chance I have of attracting a man once I’ve paid off my bills and stopped working two jobs. This is just too good NOT to share for all my single ladies. I sacrifice my future social life for you, my dears!

It started off with cutting my hair to a manageable, stodgy shoulder-hovering bob. Everyone knows long hair is sexy. Men love it. Short hair is convenience. Not sexy. Not on me. Check!

Next, the legs. I hate having hair on my legs. This is why the method works. I went without shaving for…well, I’m not at the place where I can admit just how long…in order to push myself into that funky, I-don’t-want-anyone-to-see-me feeling. Nothing is so hormone dampening as hairy legs…except maybe a hysterectomy.

What turned out to be a method of distraction has now become a lack of time. Give up one time consumption and hundreds of other responsibilities creep in to fill the void. But even the practical me has limits. I couldn’t stand it any longer. Since the tropical rain forest on my legs had reached such a nice, useful length, I decided to try waxing. Overjoyed by the thought of going pajamaless in bed and feeling soft, silky skin rubbing the sheets, I proceeded with the waxing.

Forty-five minutes later, I had ONE 7″x3″ bare strip on my left leg…and it was time to go to work. Now THAT look, my friends, is the epitome of sexy.

Hell, no, I don’t want a man. I don’t have time to fix the train wreck that is my partially waxed sasquatch legs. I can’t bring myself to shave because the $10 box of wax is taunting me to try one more time and finish the job. Looks like I won’t be retiring the flannel pajama pants any time soon.

Four months equals a lifetime

In Career Moves, Life is Random, Relationships on December 13, 2011 at 9:48 am

The title sums up what I feel about the last few months. All the words are in my head like the fall leaves in the yard. They fell daily, but I did nothing about them as they fell. Overwhelmed, I feel the need to rake them up and push them out, but I know the piles of words would be worth nothing to you all jumbled up in great mounds of earthy, moldy brown. Chew them up, sprinkle them about, and they become rich mulch to nourish and grow thoughts of your own.

But where do I begin?

Do I need to change the name of my blog? I now have TWO jobs that I love. I am working as a writer for the Mississippi Development Authority during the week and laying out pages for The Clarion-Ledger on the weekend. I have the best of both worlds, and I feel uncommonly lucky. Saying I am excited about my future doesn’t sufficiently express what I am feeling and have been feeling for the past few weeks.

What gives?

Relationships. A man? I don’t even have time to shave my legs! How can I be bothered with finding a man? I can’t. I don’t want to. I want to work two jobs, pay off my loans and buy a kayak. Simple. Focused. Perfection. Happiness.

In the meantime, I want to let the words drift and fall to you a few at a time — not pile into unmanageable mounds.

I will share the joys of waiting tables at some time in the future. That was a short-lived but priceless adventure.

Dating, the lack thereof AND my sense of satisfaction with the current state of affairs…another topic swirling around in my head.

I picked up a book titled Emotional Intelligence a few weeks back. Reading that same phrase in Fortune magazine yesterday reminded me that I really should read up on it. Seems to be a trend.

Lots to talk about. Lots to write about. Lots to be happy about.

The Awesome Adventures of Nature (Geek) Girl

In Being Healthy, Life is Random, Relationships on August 14, 2011 at 9:40 am
Photo of camp stove with computer

There is something so RIGHT about this picture!

I am sitting here doing something I have always wanted to do…posting a blog entry while camping. To save money, I canceled our home internet and signed up for a limited use MiFi from Cellular South, so my internet goes with me wherever I go. Yay me!

People ask me often, “Alana, why do you go camping alone?” Well, I guess that answer deserves its own post.

Some of you know that I grew up with a borderline personality, bi-polar mother. Those of you who have lived closely with a person with behavioral and mental problems understand what this entails. This is not the time to explain all that, so if you don’t know what I’m talking about, do a Google search on borderline personality disorder and bi-polar disorder. There you will see textbook examples of my mother.

What is relevant to this story is the fact that I grew up around a lot of negativity and depression. Life was out to get my mother–and so was every person on the planet. I grew up hearing this, and I didn’t like it. I started thinking that if I didn’t like it, then probably no one wanted to hear MY problems either. In a way, I was right, and it made me pretty self-sufficient and independent. I became a really good listener.

As an adult, I’ve read self-help books, paid for counseling and learned how to be more even keeled. Yes, we do sometimes need someone to talk over our problems with. Getting advice from a level-headed, uninvolved party is wise. However, we shouldn’t go overboard and continually unload on friends. That is what we are doing when every conversation with a friend is regaling a torrent of negative. We are unloading. We all have problems in our lives. Life is inherently problematic and filled with “shit.” There are negative situations around every corner. We have to unload this “shit” somehow…and often…or we become my mother–overwhelmed and paralyzed by life and unable to get out from under it. So, what is the best way to unload without giving a friend your burden to carry?

See, this is the good part. YOU get to decide your best way to unload without dumping on your friends. For some people, putting faith in God and giving the cares to Him in prayer works best. This works for a lot of people. Some people find relief in hitting the gym or going for a run. It is good to have multiple ways to bring positive thoughts back into your mind. Thoughts are very powerful forces in our lives. I would dare say that thoughts may be the MOST powerful force in a human’s life. Everything we are as a human being is in our thoughts–our faith, our spirituality, our emotions, our personalities. There is a passage in the book The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett that speaks of the power of thoughts. I would quote it here, but I’m out in the woods, and the book is back home. (I should download it on my Kobo app and search it on my Galaxy S. Geez, where did I misplace my Geek Card!?!) I will edit the post and add the quote later. It’s good.

One of my methods of letting it all go is getting out in nature and listening to the cicadas, birds, crickets, frogs and squirrels sing away my sorrows. Right now the crows and cicadas are in harmony. That crow is bitching about how tight my budget is and about how frustrating work can be at times. The lazy occasional percolating harumph of the coffee pot is patting my back and telling me everything is really good where it matters most. I hiked a trail late yesterday afternoon, once the tent was set up, and exchanged a few worrisome thoughts for a couple of wild muscadines hanging from a vine. I am just happy to let them deal with it so I can get on with just enjoying being me.

The best part about getting rid of your “shit” on your own is this: people will like to be around you if you keep yourself positive and full of good thoughts. Have you ever read the book How Full is Your Bucket?? I have heard a lot of good things about this book. It’s on my list of books to read. The concept outlined in the book is that we affect those around us in our daily interactions, whether they are positive or negative. How many of you have gone through a drive-through and been affected by the cashier’s frown, attitude and negative energy? She had an empty bucket. Now what about the opposite? Have you ever come across a stranger who had a smile for no reason and a kind word? Her bucket was full. How did those two situations make you feel? Which do you want to be to your fellow man? I want to have a full bucket. I want to start a viral smile along my path. I want to do my part to heal the world–tikkun olam. That feels waaaaaay better to me than the alternative.

Is the alone part necessary? No, it is not. That is just where I am in my life right now. My girlfriends don’t really enjoy nature like I do, and I do not have a husband or boyfriend with whom I can share these unwind times. I hope that is a part of my future. I really do. However, not having a partner is no reason to wait to do the things I enjoy. Not having a partner is also no reason to be negative about my life. After all, my friends have been just a Facebook post away this whole weekend. I’ve chronicled my trip via photo uploads from my cell phone.

No nature geek girl is an island.

Dear, dear diary…

In Relationships on June 15, 2011 at 6:05 am

Please forgive me as I get all girlie for a moment. I have to share what has been on my mind the last couple of days: men. The never ending quest to figure out the opposite sex.

Ladies, listen for a moment. This is for all my single ladies out there. If there is one thing I’ve learned through two divorces and many attacks of the “in love” bug, it is this: Men are LAZY! I am not just talking about the way they let their socks and underwear drop where they will or “Honey, I’ll do the dishes…two days from now…”

Men will always go the way of least resistance, like water and air. It is just their nature, g-d love them. A man will eat a diet of red-eye gravy and canned biscuits daily if it’s within arm’s reach rather than walk a mile for a porterhouse. Figuratively! What I’m saying, ladies, is that men are lazy in relationships.

I am not going to reveal how many times I’ve made this mistake (hopefully, for the last time), but, if you meet a man who is in a relationship, no matter how horrible he describes his marriage/girlfriend/fiance, don’t ever let yourself think he might want to change the situation. No matter how many times he tells you how wonderful you are (and he better be saying that for you to even be considering it, girl!), he is going to stay with what is comfortable. Even if he mentions those two words “soul” and “mate” together (Yes, I’ve heard that. No, we are not together.), don’t let it sway you. He is going to stay with her. Count on it. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. Not proud of it. Learn from my mistakes, girlfriends.

Now, I’m not saying these are bad men. They are not. They are wonderful, kind, loving men. Most are men who take their responsibilities seriously. That may be the main reason they are not going to make adjustments to their lives for you. Would you really want a man who would leave his kids for you? What I am saying is this, don’t go there. Live your life putting YOU first, and don’t waste a second on a situation that won’t change. Don’t wait for him! Don’t choose to love him…it is a choice. Love is an emotion that blows like the wind, this way and that, depending on the weather.

Over the past week or so, I’ve been captivated by the idea of making my business prosper. I have treasured each moment of being able to write this blog. I haven’t really wanted a relationship beyond friendship. My friendships and my pastimes have fulfilled me completely. Could it be that I can be happy without belonging to someone? What if a fulfilled life for me is one surrounded by friends and acquaintances but no significant other? Why not focus on me instead of trying to bring someone else into the equation?  I had two chances and blew it already.

What if third time is NOT the charm?

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